Warm Fuzzies

That's what we call the snuggly, cuddly love feeling you feel for your kids or your significant other that makes you just want to squeeze them until they cry for mercy. We are a very cuddly, affectionate family, which could have posed a problem when we started our Foster/Adopt journey. There are new weird boundaries because you don't know how affectionate the child is or what is OK with them so you kind of have to wait for them to approach you or just offer and see if they accept. You don't want to leave them out of the cuddlefest, but you don't stop lovin' on your own biological children so there's the hmmm factor. Luckily with Jonathan, we only had a few unrequited offers of cuddles or kisses before he wanted them too or before it was just accepted and expected. However, there's still a rub. It would be wonderful if you take in a child and automatically get the warm fuzzies, but that's not really how it works. We hug and kiss Jon and cuddle and tickle and wrestle, but he's not so irresistibly precious to us as Noah and Haley are. Jon is a super likable kid, very sweet, funny, silly and helpful, but that's doesn't give you the nibbly kind of love. You just kinda do it anyway. Well... News Report: About a week or two ago, I felt the warm fuzzies with Jonathan. I found myself hugging him longer than usual and just wanting to squeeze him and hold him for a while. That may seem like no big deal, but it is a very big deal. I was very excited and relieved to know that those feelings can, will and are developing. That is the wonderful, bright and shiny update on the foster/adopt situation. I think I like adjectives today or something. Just a quick count on the stats. We've had Jon for 4 months and in about 2 months we'll upgrade to an adoptive placement. Once that happens, we have 6 months before we go to court and it's consummated and official. He'll be OURS!

Well, I've been busy

It's been almost a month since I last posted what we're up to and how our minds were approaching our situation. It's not because I didn't want to, but because there was hardly time to figure out what we thought, let alone the time to type about it. But here I am with a minute and the laundry will wait.
Things have gotten rather stressful around the Wheeler house. I think it was safe to assume that all of the extra meetings, forms and appointments that accompany a foster child would be a piece of cake for a couple like us. Brent's got the initiative that if I ask for his help to change something in the house or to help me move something, he does it as soon as he has a moment. And me...seriously, I'm the scheduling queen and the multitasking professional. However, I overlooked the idea that we aren't just good at order, we thrive on it. We do invite chaos, but we very quickly put it in a box and wrap it up in pretty paper with a big bow. So in this situation, where we cannot find a box big enough or a bow shiny enough to give us the mental capacity to grasp the situation with both hands, I am about 2 degrees from panic at any given time. I have a sense of urgency about things. When I was a waitress, it made me very good at serving people, but very bad at balancing a large section of tables. The pieces of information and things to do are bouncing around in my head so fast a vicious that not only do I have a headache and am in a constant state of nervousness that I've forgotten something very important, but occasionally I do forget something very important. My patience has all but disappeared. My husband is not receiving any grace from me because I don't have the option not to be absolutely at the top of my game and there is no room for him not to be also. I expect him not only to be reading my thoughts, but to also be 2 steps into working them out. My poor kiddos are at the mercy of the balance sheet of good versus bad each day. How many things have I managed to complete smoothly and how many crisis have I been able to avert vs. how many obstacles or tantrums I have had to deal with amidst the string of things that has to be done. We do still have very happy moments, but we are incredibly overwhelmed. I correct that, I am completely overwhelmed. I was informed that the only stressful thing for my husband is really how I feel and the atmosphere at home because regrettably everything that needs to be done is during working hours and on my shoulders. Zak is still an awesome baby. He's so quick to smile his big gummy grin and coo and chat and he's very laid back and easy to take care of. I'd say for the last 3 weeks, the mood around here has definitely shifted around the Wheeler home. I think it was pretty gradual, but it grows each day. We knew getting into the foster/adopt process that a degree of family sacrifice would be necessary for it to work. We agreed to that. I feel now that we've crossed a line somewhere and it's not only bad for our family of 4, but also for Zachary. Haley is pretty high maintenance and with her and Noah being so young and hands-on, poor Zak doesn't get the attention he deserves either. My stress also keeps me from connecting with him emotionally as much as he needs.
Brent and I have decided to have Zak moved to another home. We've discussed it a lot with our case worker and not only is our case worker very supportive and understanding, he let us know that they actually respect our decision to do what's best for Zak and for us and not just sticking to it for no other reason than to stick with it. He let us know that he was very proud of what we've been able to achieve with Zachary so far and let us know that even though we aren't able to keep him, we did really serve him through the stage of his methadone treatments and should be happy about that. I think it's somewhat divine and I mean seriously of God that I did not begin to feel this mounting burden and stress throughout the most stressful time. The methadone treatments started out at every 6 hours and we had to fill out a log with each dose and he had a weekly Dr. appointment every week practically downtown Austin. I was sure eager to get Zak through all that, but I felt very happy and carefree. We got Zak when he was still reliant on the methadone and he wasn't sleeping more than 4 hours at a time. Now Zak has been free of Methadone for about 3 weeks (which is about when I started to feel anxious) and he's sleeping about 11 hours at night. The side effects are all gone and he's doing wonderfully.
We had been back and forth about it. I'd say it was about every other night we were deciding to have Zak moved, but just couldn't do it. I have my monthly visit with my case worker(cw) tomorrow and yesterday I emailed him our decision to give him a heads up for our conversation tomorrow. He called me before the end of the work day and let me know that they already had a home that wanted Zachary. I am so glad for Zak that this other family is so eager for him. I'm glad that he's moving now while he's so young before it would hurt him to lose us. Our cw said they are just waiting for CPS to approve the move and that they have about 30 days from when we give them notice that we need the child moved, but that it won't take 30 days. So we don't know when Zachary will go to his new home. But we're eager to meet them and introduce them to Zak. Our cw let us know that this does not harm our standing as potential foster/adopt parents and that we will still receive calls about potential placements. I think we'll take a little time to regroup and enjoy each other before we try again.
A very good friend so gently told me that we didn't fail, which is what I was feeling. She let me know that she was very proud that we were willing to take that step and really try. I think one of the difficult things about letting go of Zak is letting everyone down. Everyone was so excited for us and encouraged about the good in the world and happy to know of a child in need being blessed, that I was so nervous about trying to explain myself and why we decided not to be God's comforting touch for this child any longer. But that's a whole different issue with my need for approval. I know this is a stark contrast from my last posts and it may be disheartening to some, but we still have a heart for adopting. The road just might be a little longer for us than we originally believed it would be. Thanks for reading.

Zak is here!

So we brought Zachary home from the hospital on Tuesday and have had him for 6 days. He has already made some major improvements. First of all, let me introduce all of you(my two followers so far) to Zak. He was born 9-10 at ~5 lbs. and 18" long. When Zak was born he had some withdrawal issues and was put on a weaning treatment plan and kept at the hospital until we brought him home at 5 weeks old. We have to give him oral doses every 6 hours and every Sunday the dose drops down a notch until hopefully he's done the last week of November! He's already gained almost 4 pounds! He was ~8 lbs when he was discharged to us on Tuesday and almost 9 lbs at his first Dr. appointment on Friday. He went from barely smudging his diapers, to real poos (only a parent gets excited about poo) and we're actually keeping him awake for more than an hour a day. I went back and forth wondering how easy or difficult it might be loving a baby that you didn't help bake, but have found it only takes a little time. At first, I would hold him and of course he's a sweet little baby and you can't help but coo at him. But it was definitely like I was holding a stranger's baby and didn't want to cross any lines. It didn't take long though before I was caressing his head with my cheek, kissing his sweet face, and nuzzling him against me like I had with my own children. I did have a thought the other day though. If I'm the one he's used to and bonds with and he goes home to his mom in a year, in his tiny little mind, it'll be me abandoning him and giving him away and he won't understand why. That made me very sad, but God is in this situation so I will not dwell on the scary or sad, but the hopeful and rewarding.
So that's another thing I hadn't explained yet either. It is strictly a foster placement at this time and the placement is set for 12 months. We will get to throw him his 1st birthday party!! I feel great about this time frame because it allows us to really get comfortable together and to love on him and not feel like he's like a weary traveler just stopping in for a bit.
We have weekly Dr. appointments until he's done with his treatments and I have to pick up his prescriptions each week because only the pharmacy at the hospital carries it. Even though the crowd at the clinic scares me a bit, I really like Zak's pediatrician and she really seems to know what's going on.
As for the home front, Haley always wants to hold Zak...for two seconds. And Noah is very sweet and nurturing. Even more-so than he was with Haley maybe because he's been through the new baby thing before and he's older now. He told grandma and grandpa's dog"shh Pnut, baby Zak is sleeping" and he tiptoes around him and asks to touch him and hold him. It's very sweet. There is a little more juggling around the house with three kiddos, but hey, this house is a circus anyway so what's one more clown?

My, my, how time changes things

Even just a day. A day after writing my first post on my first blog, the previous possible adoption placement was decidedly no good for us. But at the very same time, we received a call back about a previous placement we were all set to accept. About a week ago we had agreed to accept 2 boys. One of the boys was 12 years old and one was 3 weeks old. It didn't work out because they wanted a home in Travis county. They called us back because the 12 year old was happy in his foster home but his foster parents would not be able to take the baby. The courts don't normally agree to splitting up siblings, but in this case he talked to the 12 y.o. one-on-one and the boy was very enthusiastic about where he was and because of the large age gap, the judge agreed to allow him to stay at his present home with his baby brother placed elsewhere.

So last night and today we have visited with baby Zak at the hospital and he will be coming home with us most likely on Monday. He is incredibly sweet and a very messy eater (he might have a hidden hole in his lip, but we haven't been able to find it-but we did buy a lot of bibs). Noah's ok with baby Zachary coming home as long as Noah doesn't have to go to the hospital. Haley will just be excited about a baby. He sleeps so much because of his medicine/treatments, but the nurses did say they've never heard of a baby receiving his treatments past two months so we're being optimistic that Zachary will also be done in another month.

We don't know if this placement will be short-term or long-term, strictly foster or possibly open for adoption eventually, but we'll be glad to have Zak with us while we can.

Oh, the possibilities...

So throughout the day, I chat with God. I've decided He's my friend and He wants to talk to me about everything, not just the big stuff. But when it comes to asking God for things, I give a general "Your Will, God" and let that be that. Because I figure He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He knows what's best. AND He knows what will happen. But on Wednesday night, I was like let me really lay it out there for God about our foster adopt process. I asked specifically for three things. First, I wanted the children presented to us as potential placements to be good matches for our home because we're very excited about this opportunity and very flexible and won't be very discriminating of the options presented to us. Secondly, that the potential placements be adoption placements because that's what we really want. We would probably accept a few solely foster placements just to be helping and making a difference, but that could cause us to miss out on adoption placements because our home would be full. So I really wanted the placements being suggested to us to be legal risk or adoption based. Third, I asked that we hear from them soon. We have not had the most responsive experience along this trek and it's easy to feel forgotten about. So I wanted to hear from our agency or our contact person soon for reassurance that we were still making progress and working toward the goal. So that was all Wednesday night. Thursday at 4 I get a call from Jake, our contact person with the agency, informing us of a possible placement. So there's #3. The first thing he tells me about the placement is that they are looking for an adoption motivated home because this case will be adoptable. There's #2. I literally told him you've got to be kidding. The kiddos are within our initial age range (which we were willing to ignore, per case). It is a 4 year old boy, a 2 year old boy, and a 19 month old boy. What a handful right! Going from a family of 4 to a family of 7! So I don't know what God knows, but maybe this is #1 as well. Because it is an adoption case, we don't just get to say yes and get them. We submitted our home study to the children's caseworker like we did so many times through the TARE website (and several times we were not chosen). So we could still be nowhere with nothing to show for it, but if so I still feel like God delights in being in relationship with us and granting us the desires of our hearts when they cooperate with His good and perfect will for us. He was listening and He wanted me to hear His answer. I am encouraged. If we are chosen, it will not be easy. These children were removed from their home because of abuse or neglect and that causes hurt, mistrust and anger as well as undesirable behaviors that were either learned or relied on for survival. It would definitely be a challenge. We hope our friends, family, and community would come alongside us to love on and lift up these children of God who are hurting and in need and not judge and worry and think we're crazy for turning our home upside down. We realize that no one else made this decision or signed up to have such dysfunction as a part of their lives. It was our choice and in being our friends and those closest to us, you will be affected. We appreciate your support and care for our family. We should know if we will receive these boys within the next seven days and I don't know what the transition would look like after that. It could be gradual with several visits before placement or it could be somewhat sudden as the boys are already in foster care. We will let everyone know something when we know something.