Warm Fuzzies

That's what we call the snuggly, cuddly love feeling you feel for your kids or your significant other that makes you just want to squeeze them until they cry for mercy. We are a very cuddly, affectionate family, which could have posed a problem when we started our Foster/Adopt journey. There are new weird boundaries because you don't know how affectionate the child is or what is OK with them so you kind of have to wait for them to approach you or just offer and see if they accept. You don't want to leave them out of the cuddlefest, but you don't stop lovin' on your own biological children so there's the hmmm factor. Luckily with Jonathan, we only had a few unrequited offers of cuddles or kisses before he wanted them too or before it was just accepted and expected. However, there's still a rub. It would be wonderful if you take in a child and automatically get the warm fuzzies, but that's not really how it works. We hug and kiss Jon and cuddle and tickle and wrestle, but he's not so irresistibly precious to us as Noah and Haley are. Jon is a super likable kid, very sweet, funny, silly and helpful, but that's doesn't give you the nibbly kind of love. You just kinda do it anyway. Well... News Report: About a week or two ago, I felt the warm fuzzies with Jonathan. I found myself hugging him longer than usual and just wanting to squeeze him and hold him for a while. That may seem like no big deal, but it is a very big deal. I was very excited and relieved to know that those feelings can, will and are developing. That is the wonderful, bright and shiny update on the foster/adopt situation. I think I like adjectives today or something. Just a quick count on the stats. We've had Jon for 4 months and in about 2 months we'll upgrade to an adoptive placement. Once that happens, we have 6 months before we go to court and it's consummated and official. He'll be OURS!

Bikes! YAY!

Hooray for daddy for being a good sport and taking the boys out on the bikes they got for Christmas! It was way too cold for mommy. The boys still need to grow into their bikes a bit, but they loved getting to go for a ride. The initial idea was for dad to ride his new bike too, but the boys required too much assistance (they are going uphill) to allow for that. So dad's bike sat resting with mom's...it's the way it should be.

Haley's such a big girl...

She is now officially in a big girl bed. Christmas night was her first night sleeping in her BGB because she got awesome girly bedding for Christmas. It went very well. She didn't fuss more than maybe 5 minutes and we only had to put her back in bed once that first night and not again since. We love getting to go in and cover her up and give her kisses while she's asleep. It's like her BGB has a sleepy power over her because we've never been able to set foot in her room after she's asleep without her rousing to see what's going on. We were keeping her naps in the crib for the time being, but that's finished because she's found her trapeze instincts and can now escape her crib without a tear and like nothing happened. "What? You guys want to play?" That's what her face says as we answer her knock on her bedroom door.

Christmas...and all that that implies

Our Christmas was more of a whirlwind this year than ever before and it had nothing to do with the weather. CFAN had some very pressing business so Brent worked from December 14th through January 7th with only 4 days off and one of those was only because he'd worked until 4am that morning and wouldn't have been able to pull through another day without some good rest. 2 of those days were mostly spent in the car alone. Needless to say, he is exhausted...and SO AM I. We missed him terribly and are so excited he has the day off tomorrow and a real weekend ahead. Friday Dec. 18th, the very day I left for Houston by myself, our case manager was able to have the new family for Zak approved for respite care so that I didn't collapse under the stress of 4 kids. Zak's new family is so very sweet and excited to have him. Jonathan is adjusting very well. We play "High/Low. Ready? Go!" just about every night at dinner asking the kids what things made them happy and sad throughout the day and Jonathan rarely has anything that has made him sad and often he still says that he's happy to be with us. The kids had a great time at Grandma and Peepaw's house riding a new toy that Grandma got. I even rode it a bit and it was entertaining. We had a nice time opening gifts with Grandma, Peepaw, Sean, Aunt Mo, and cousin Shelby and then headed to the other side of both Houston and the family tree. We stopped to see Grandpa and Suzanne and the boys got to see the ferrets. It was a short visit, but it was a good one. When our plans fell through to see Sherry (Brent's step-mom), we asked the Carbones if they had a little time for us and of course they did. Our time at their house was one of the warmest moments of our holiday and gave us the feeling of Christmas that we'd been wanting so badly. The next morning we made the trek to my Nannie and PawPaw's house in Anderson (around Bryan/College Station). All the cousins were there and this is the first year that I felt like I didn't really get to chat very much with anyone there and just kinda buzzed around maintaining children and hanging out. Well, that was Christmas eve so we left there and headed for our very own casa to celebrate Christmas morning for the very first time at home. If you know me and the constant state of my house you would not have believed the chaos of plastic, laundry, and miscellaneous items that were WALL-to-WALL in our garage and our bedroom. We finished our elfish duties around 2 and found a place on the bed to sleep. The next morning was WONDERFUL! The kids actually slept in. We got up and showered at like 6:30 (yeah, I know, we're weird) and laid in bed waiting...and waiting...and slept...and heard the boys playing in their room around 8. They were content playing with the toys they'd already gotten and had forgotten about the toyland that awaited them. The boys sat together and laughed opening their gifts side-by-side and Haley...well she didn't want to open any. She wanted to stay on her 4-wheeler that Grandpa had bought her and let us put together Christmas eve. To be honest the chaos has slowed down, but not disappeared and nearly had me panicked. But today, my knight in shining armor came home early and will again be by my side to reign in the children and finish our to-do's. It is delightful to get to share my to-do list with him again and I hope this weekend can be restful and refreshing. I have to give props to any single parent out there and all the parents out there with 3 or 4 or more children. We are working to get in a groove, but wow, it is tough and tiring and it's been with one hand tied behind our back (bc dad's been m.i.a. a lot of the time). So I just really thank God for my husband and the companionship he offers and the strength and order he brings to our home. May I please be such a reward to him.

Jon-Jon

That's the cute pet name we're trying to get Haley to call him. Him being Jonathan Andrew Sanchez, our newest addition to the family. No, we haven't been hanging out at the kid store. Zak is with a different family and Jonathan is with us now. Zachary was moved with a new foster family that has been hoping a waiting for a baby for a year and a half. They were very excited to meet him and you could see their eagerness as I was handing over his worldly possessions. I had mentioned before that God is wild (on FB), here's why. The day we decided we just couldn't do it with Zachary anymore and he needed and we needed for him to be in a new home, that very day, just hours later, a home was already eagerly awaiting his arrival. We skated through the most exhausting days with him getting him on a routine/schedule sleeping more than 4 hours at a time and getting him off methadone. We breezed through, happily with no real complications or difficulties. When he was off methadone, daily I felt more and more pressure and stress and unhappiness. It wasn't until he was sleeping 11 hours at night and drug-free that I couldn't balance it all anymore. I believe God empowered us to provide for Zak for that specific time and when we were got through that phase it was time for him to go to a different home and God provided that home right away. Just days after we found out about the other home, we got a call from our CW. He asked us what we needed to be different to be successful in our next placement and how our expectations or requirements for potential placements had changed. After talking over a few things with him that we had discussed, he says "ok, I think I have a placement for you." I laughed with surprise. I half-expected to be on some probation list even though he had said that wouldn't be the case, and the thought of him knowing how overwhelmed and broken I felt, he still felt pressed to suggest this placement as the right placement for us. He told us about Jonathan, what he knew anyway. Jonathan is 7 years old, he was in respite care and needed a serious home that could commit to him because his parents had terminated their parental rights and he needed to be placed in his forever home. I was in awe of God's work as the Master Orchestrator. We talked about it. We prayed about it. Our CW said there were other families considering Jonathan. We agreed to take Jonathan. If we are meant to have him, we would and if not we prayed for another family to be chosen and we prayed for that possible other family. That was all Friday morning and we picked Jonathan up from school on Monday and he's been with us ever since. Meanwhile, we still had Zachary as well. After taking in Jonathan, it was a little more urgent for us move Zachary, but the papers couldn't keep up with us. So the new foster family for Zak agreed to provide respite care for us until they could sign as his family. I went to drop him off the day that we were set to go out of town. The new family is fabulous. They are The Parish family and they have been on the waiting list for emergency placements for infants for over a year and a half. They were shocked when they got the call about Zak because they couldn't believe they'd been passed up the first time he was placed. The Parishes shared that they too thought the timing of it all worked out perfectly because the mom was able to have a hand surgery she needed and she was able to provide respite care for a good friend with twin foster babies because her father had passed away. If they had gotten Zachary initially, she wouldn't have been able to do either of those things. Not only that, but this family was completely empathetic to our situation and didn't judge us for giving up Zak because they had been through almost the exact situation themselves last year. That just reiterated to me that God had a plan for the Parishes and us and Zachary and Jonathan all along. I imagine God knew we would have Jonathan, but before that Zachary needed us until he could be with the Parishes. I am still amazed at how the pieces have come together. So Jonathan is a typical 7 year old boy. He is doing well in school as along as he has structure to do homework and gets to bed on time. I was like structure...no problem. He does not have visits with his parents. He does have siblings that we need to connect with and he has started to miss them, but only seems to be bothered about it every other day or so. We still do not have his full file of information to know everything about him, but he talks, so we're learning anyway. Currently, it is a foster placement. In a couple months, if things are still going well, it will become an adoptive placement and we will begin the process to adopt Jonathan and make him a Wheeler. He is well-behaved and obeys without fuss. We have been working on manners and routines and he is doing really well with it. Jonathan has been blessed by many different people and families that provided him with A LOT of used clothing and A LOT of toys (both new and old-including a bike, although I think it's too big for him right now) and we have taken him into our family treating him just like our kids and including him in the hugs and I love you's. He has also taken well to us and the kids. He and Noah have a typical brotherly relationship and Haley seems to be relishing being the only girl with two big brothers. He calls us mom and dad and asks for hugs. There have been funny moments. I expect many more to come so I'll have to make sure to be better about keeping up with this thing. So that's it. Things today look drastically different than they did a month ago and especially 2 months before that, but it was all simple and logical with The Plan. God is wild.

Well, I've been busy

It's been almost a month since I last posted what we're up to and how our minds were approaching our situation. It's not because I didn't want to, but because there was hardly time to figure out what we thought, let alone the time to type about it. But here I am with a minute and the laundry will wait.
Things have gotten rather stressful around the Wheeler house. I think it was safe to assume that all of the extra meetings, forms and appointments that accompany a foster child would be a piece of cake for a couple like us. Brent's got the initiative that if I ask for his help to change something in the house or to help me move something, he does it as soon as he has a moment. And me...seriously, I'm the scheduling queen and the multitasking professional. However, I overlooked the idea that we aren't just good at order, we thrive on it. We do invite chaos, but we very quickly put it in a box and wrap it up in pretty paper with a big bow. So in this situation, where we cannot find a box big enough or a bow shiny enough to give us the mental capacity to grasp the situation with both hands, I am about 2 degrees from panic at any given time. I have a sense of urgency about things. When I was a waitress, it made me very good at serving people, but very bad at balancing a large section of tables. The pieces of information and things to do are bouncing around in my head so fast a vicious that not only do I have a headache and am in a constant state of nervousness that I've forgotten something very important, but occasionally I do forget something very important. My patience has all but disappeared. My husband is not receiving any grace from me because I don't have the option not to be absolutely at the top of my game and there is no room for him not to be also. I expect him not only to be reading my thoughts, but to also be 2 steps into working them out. My poor kiddos are at the mercy of the balance sheet of good versus bad each day. How many things have I managed to complete smoothly and how many crisis have I been able to avert vs. how many obstacles or tantrums I have had to deal with amidst the string of things that has to be done. We do still have very happy moments, but we are incredibly overwhelmed. I correct that, I am completely overwhelmed. I was informed that the only stressful thing for my husband is really how I feel and the atmosphere at home because regrettably everything that needs to be done is during working hours and on my shoulders. Zak is still an awesome baby. He's so quick to smile his big gummy grin and coo and chat and he's very laid back and easy to take care of. I'd say for the last 3 weeks, the mood around here has definitely shifted around the Wheeler home. I think it was pretty gradual, but it grows each day. We knew getting into the foster/adopt process that a degree of family sacrifice would be necessary for it to work. We agreed to that. I feel now that we've crossed a line somewhere and it's not only bad for our family of 4, but also for Zachary. Haley is pretty high maintenance and with her and Noah being so young and hands-on, poor Zak doesn't get the attention he deserves either. My stress also keeps me from connecting with him emotionally as much as he needs.
Brent and I have decided to have Zak moved to another home. We've discussed it a lot with our case worker and not only is our case worker very supportive and understanding, he let us know that they actually respect our decision to do what's best for Zak and for us and not just sticking to it for no other reason than to stick with it. He let us know that he was very proud of what we've been able to achieve with Zachary so far and let us know that even though we aren't able to keep him, we did really serve him through the stage of his methadone treatments and should be happy about that. I think it's somewhat divine and I mean seriously of God that I did not begin to feel this mounting burden and stress throughout the most stressful time. The methadone treatments started out at every 6 hours and we had to fill out a log with each dose and he had a weekly Dr. appointment every week practically downtown Austin. I was sure eager to get Zak through all that, but I felt very happy and carefree. We got Zak when he was still reliant on the methadone and he wasn't sleeping more than 4 hours at a time. Now Zak has been free of Methadone for about 3 weeks (which is about when I started to feel anxious) and he's sleeping about 11 hours at night. The side effects are all gone and he's doing wonderfully.
We had been back and forth about it. I'd say it was about every other night we were deciding to have Zak moved, but just couldn't do it. I have my monthly visit with my case worker(cw) tomorrow and yesterday I emailed him our decision to give him a heads up for our conversation tomorrow. He called me before the end of the work day and let me know that they already had a home that wanted Zachary. I am so glad for Zak that this other family is so eager for him. I'm glad that he's moving now while he's so young before it would hurt him to lose us. Our cw said they are just waiting for CPS to approve the move and that they have about 30 days from when we give them notice that we need the child moved, but that it won't take 30 days. So we don't know when Zachary will go to his new home. But we're eager to meet them and introduce them to Zak. Our cw let us know that this does not harm our standing as potential foster/adopt parents and that we will still receive calls about potential placements. I think we'll take a little time to regroup and enjoy each other before we try again.
A very good friend so gently told me that we didn't fail, which is what I was feeling. She let me know that she was very proud that we were willing to take that step and really try. I think one of the difficult things about letting go of Zak is letting everyone down. Everyone was so excited for us and encouraged about the good in the world and happy to know of a child in need being blessed, that I was so nervous about trying to explain myself and why we decided not to be God's comforting touch for this child any longer. But that's a whole different issue with my need for approval. I know this is a stark contrast from my last posts and it may be disheartening to some, but we still have a heart for adopting. The road just might be a little longer for us than we originally believed it would be. Thanks for reading.

Is it foster or Adopt?

I really think my idea of what the rest of this year will look like or even my hopes for what it will look like, change daily. I want MommaJ to get over her addictions and be stable and secure enough to share her abundant love for her 2 kids that is so obviously there. I also want to love Zak and keep him. I am also sad to lose this time focusing on my two kids, but Zak needs to know the sweet cuddles he deserves. I sometimes think if/when Zak is gone, Haley will be almost 3 and her whole second year is just flashing by (but sometimes, with how crazy that girl is, I think is that so bad? j/k) If I am hoping and setting my goals for Zak to go home to his mom, I think how much more harmful it will be for him to go home and then possibly have to be pulled out again in another year or so. I really just try not to think about it, because all my contemplating in the world will not give me an accurate picture of my family a year and a half from now. So we focus on the day to day. Zak is doing AMAZING! Sunday he went down from 3 doses a day to 2! He barely flinched at the change and I hope that the next 2 and a half weeks of the wean are this easy for him. An occupational therapist with ECI will be coming out once a month for 45 minutes to work on his muscle tone because he is a really uptight little guy. This doesn't bother me. I am actually glad for the help and the extra feedback on his development and how I can be helping him. I was bummed to find out that his visits with him mom are going to be for 2 hours twice a week. I do believe this will help his bonding with his mother and even give her the extra motivation she may need to really push through the difficult times. I am still uncomfortable in that part of town alone at night and it is a bit awkward every time with Zak's mom and dad, (I guess that makes sense tho). I am still nervous about the wear over time of 2 visits a week for an entire year, the loss of time with my husband and kids of 2 missed dinners twice a week for a year. It seems like such a great deal of time and is a bit overwhelming. I guess AGAIN I just have to look at this week and what it holds for us. I never painted myself a saint sweeping in to be a fit mother where others couldn't. We knew we would have a hard times going into this, we just didn't know what they would be exactly or how we would handle those specific hurdles. Somehow I miss him already even though I don't know what will happen. I'm pretty sure (at least for the past couple hours) that he will go home. Noah will be very, very sad because he is very concerned with Zak and loves him very much. Haley will be confused. I think I see the way kids play at the playground and they just kinda flit from one friend to the next and I thought that would be how they responded to Zak. Like it's great to have him to play with and torture, but oh, he's gone, ok, mommy can I have some ice cream. Or something like that. But I think they will have a much harder time letting go than I could have imagined. I thank you for your prayers and support.