Well, I've been busy

It's been almost a month since I last posted what we're up to and how our minds were approaching our situation. It's not because I didn't want to, but because there was hardly time to figure out what we thought, let alone the time to type about it. But here I am with a minute and the laundry will wait.
Things have gotten rather stressful around the Wheeler house. I think it was safe to assume that all of the extra meetings, forms and appointments that accompany a foster child would be a piece of cake for a couple like us. Brent's got the initiative that if I ask for his help to change something in the house or to help me move something, he does it as soon as he has a moment. And me...seriously, I'm the scheduling queen and the multitasking professional. However, I overlooked the idea that we aren't just good at order, we thrive on it. We do invite chaos, but we very quickly put it in a box and wrap it up in pretty paper with a big bow. So in this situation, where we cannot find a box big enough or a bow shiny enough to give us the mental capacity to grasp the situation with both hands, I am about 2 degrees from panic at any given time. I have a sense of urgency about things. When I was a waitress, it made me very good at serving people, but very bad at balancing a large section of tables. The pieces of information and things to do are bouncing around in my head so fast a vicious that not only do I have a headache and am in a constant state of nervousness that I've forgotten something very important, but occasionally I do forget something very important. My patience has all but disappeared. My husband is not receiving any grace from me because I don't have the option not to be absolutely at the top of my game and there is no room for him not to be also. I expect him not only to be reading my thoughts, but to also be 2 steps into working them out. My poor kiddos are at the mercy of the balance sheet of good versus bad each day. How many things have I managed to complete smoothly and how many crisis have I been able to avert vs. how many obstacles or tantrums I have had to deal with amidst the string of things that has to be done. We do still have very happy moments, but we are incredibly overwhelmed. I correct that, I am completely overwhelmed. I was informed that the only stressful thing for my husband is really how I feel and the atmosphere at home because regrettably everything that needs to be done is during working hours and on my shoulders. Zak is still an awesome baby. He's so quick to smile his big gummy grin and coo and chat and he's very laid back and easy to take care of. I'd say for the last 3 weeks, the mood around here has definitely shifted around the Wheeler home. I think it was pretty gradual, but it grows each day. We knew getting into the foster/adopt process that a degree of family sacrifice would be necessary for it to work. We agreed to that. I feel now that we've crossed a line somewhere and it's not only bad for our family of 4, but also for Zachary. Haley is pretty high maintenance and with her and Noah being so young and hands-on, poor Zak doesn't get the attention he deserves either. My stress also keeps me from connecting with him emotionally as much as he needs.
Brent and I have decided to have Zak moved to another home. We've discussed it a lot with our case worker and not only is our case worker very supportive and understanding, he let us know that they actually respect our decision to do what's best for Zak and for us and not just sticking to it for no other reason than to stick with it. He let us know that he was very proud of what we've been able to achieve with Zachary so far and let us know that even though we aren't able to keep him, we did really serve him through the stage of his methadone treatments and should be happy about that. I think it's somewhat divine and I mean seriously of God that I did not begin to feel this mounting burden and stress throughout the most stressful time. The methadone treatments started out at every 6 hours and we had to fill out a log with each dose and he had a weekly Dr. appointment every week practically downtown Austin. I was sure eager to get Zak through all that, but I felt very happy and carefree. We got Zak when he was still reliant on the methadone and he wasn't sleeping more than 4 hours at a time. Now Zak has been free of Methadone for about 3 weeks (which is about when I started to feel anxious) and he's sleeping about 11 hours at night. The side effects are all gone and he's doing wonderfully.
We had been back and forth about it. I'd say it was about every other night we were deciding to have Zak moved, but just couldn't do it. I have my monthly visit with my case worker(cw) tomorrow and yesterday I emailed him our decision to give him a heads up for our conversation tomorrow. He called me before the end of the work day and let me know that they already had a home that wanted Zachary. I am so glad for Zak that this other family is so eager for him. I'm glad that he's moving now while he's so young before it would hurt him to lose us. Our cw said they are just waiting for CPS to approve the move and that they have about 30 days from when we give them notice that we need the child moved, but that it won't take 30 days. So we don't know when Zachary will go to his new home. But we're eager to meet them and introduce them to Zak. Our cw let us know that this does not harm our standing as potential foster/adopt parents and that we will still receive calls about potential placements. I think we'll take a little time to regroup and enjoy each other before we try again.
A very good friend so gently told me that we didn't fail, which is what I was feeling. She let me know that she was very proud that we were willing to take that step and really try. I think one of the difficult things about letting go of Zak is letting everyone down. Everyone was so excited for us and encouraged about the good in the world and happy to know of a child in need being blessed, that I was so nervous about trying to explain myself and why we decided not to be God's comforting touch for this child any longer. But that's a whole different issue with my need for approval. I know this is a stark contrast from my last posts and it may be disheartening to some, but we still have a heart for adopting. The road just might be a little longer for us than we originally believed it would be. Thanks for reading.